My maternal grandmother died of a pulmonary embolism at the age of 36. I have borderline hypertension.
I’m too heavy, again. When I wake up in the morning my heart beats wildly for no apparent reason.
I was driving home yesterday, listening to a Moth story about someone’s death from cancer, and I was suddenly terrified of not existing. I have no idea what happens afterward, and I really don’t want to. I’m not ready, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s coming soon.
I can’t help but wonder if every headache is a sign of the end, or whether a muscle twinge in my chest signals an incipient heart attack. I’m afraid that I’ll get my adult life started just to check out early.
And then I worry about my parents and their mortality. I think about how long they have left, and I know I’m not ready to lose them.
My mom had a double mastectomy in July. One of her brother’s lost a kidney. My dad had leukemia 13 years ago, and when he had hernia surgery last week, the doctor noticed that his lymph nodes were “activated”. He’s going back in for a biopsy in a couple of weeks.
I’m not ready for any of this.